Home > Humour, Quotations > That evil vicar look

That evil vicar look

Another thing I’ve been watching on the internet recently is That Mitchell and Webb Look. One of the highlights was a sketch about a couple visiting a church:

A man and a woman enter an Anglican church.

Woman: I think it’s great the way churches have become more inclusive and open-minded these days.

Man: [Sounding bored] Yeah – I’m sure. I just don’t think I’m really religious.

Woman: Oh, they’re happy just to talk about stuff; and it’s a great place to make friends.

A stern, mustachioed vicar steps in front of the couple.

Vicar: [With distaste] Can I help you?

Woman: Hi! Erm, we’re new to the area, we’ve just bought three of the old alms houses, we’re having them knocked through and we thought we’d just pop in and say Hi.

Vicar: Who the Hell did you think you were going to say Hi to – the Lord your God? Because I’m not sure you’ve lived lives worthy of his attention.

Man: Err –

Woman: Ha. And, yeah, we’re not particularly religious, I suppose, but I think we’d both say we were spiritual people, wouldn’t we, Tom?

Man: Nyuh.

Woman: And we’re just interested to find out more.

Vicar: ‘Not particularly religious’? ‘Interested’? ‘Spiritual’? … Are you testing me, Satan?

Woman: Um, what happened to the friendly lady vicar with the colourful jumper that I met last week?

Vicar: She’s gone, child. They’ve all gone – banished by the bishop. I know where they’re going eventually – in the meantime: Daventry. We’re back.

Man: Who?

Vicar: The incredibly horrible and twisted people who are still unaccountably vicars.

Woman: [To man] Maybe we should –

Vicar: I saw you in here last week. I saw you reading the notices and talking about your views and eating other people’s biscuits – we were all watching you from the vestry and we all thought you were a _bitch_.

Man: Steady on. Look, I mean, my wife’s entitled to her views.

Vicar: Oh, isn’t she just? Aren’t you all _entitled_ to your half-arsed musings on the divine? You’ve thought about eternity for 25 minutes and think you’ve come to some interesting conclusions. [An eerie wind starts to sound] Well, let me tell you – I stand with two thousand years of darkness and bafflement and hunger behind me, my kind have harvested the souls of a million peasants [Distant thunder rumbles] and I couldn’t give a ha’penny jizz for your internet-assembled philosophy!

Man: Look, Sally –

Woman: [To vicar] Look, we have a right to be here – this is a place of peace.

Vicar: Oh, please – that’s a very recent idea, and not one that I think is going to catch on.

Woman: Well, I’m certainly not –

Vicar: [Thrusts large a golden cross in the couple’s faces. Dramatic orchestral music begins to play] Begone! [He chases them] Begone to your satanic alms house conversion! Leave here, damned sinning dog of a whore!

The man and woman flee and exit the church. Music and sound effects cease.

Vicar: [In a normal, although somewhat annoyed voice] Oh, at least leave a quid for the upkeep!

Categories: Humour, Quotations
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