Home > Humour, Quotations > It really isn’t easy being Dave

It really isn’t easy being Dave

Richard Stilgoe (who I remember quite fondly, if vaguely, from Finders Keepers) was on The Now Show last week as a replacement for Mitch Benn. He sang this wonderful song about David Cameron:

Poor Dave. Poor Dave.
Three months ago his life was a soufflé.
Poor Dave, poor Dave,
Number Ten was just a Miliband away.

He banded words with Tony,
Kissed a baby, stroked a dog.
Washed up for the webcameron
And ‘fessed up on his blog.

And waited gleaming pink to take on Brown,
But suddenly the greasy polls went down.

You expect a big green medal,
As off to work you pedal,
But that’s not the picture chosen for the news.
For behind you there’s a Lexus,
Using half the oil in Texas
With your sandwiches, your cellphone and your shoes.

Oh, it really isn’t easy being Dave,
You have to be so very, very brave.
Each unheralded event is
Making him less compos mentis
Than a newly-fired apprentice –
Poor old Dave!

If, alas, you went to Eaton,
Be as quiet as Buster Keaton
When they talk of ‘Education, education.’
If you mention shutting grammars,
Then attack with special hammers
And shout two words: one ‘off’, one ‘fornication’.

Oh, it really isn’t easy being Dave,
For politics is more than a close shave.
I would rather be called smelly
Or throw beans made out of jelly
At a cricketer from Delhi
Than be Dave!

William Hague’s prospects are sunken,
Nobody remembers Duncan Smith,
David Davis hasn’t got the knack.
You’ve defeated Michael Howard,
But you still don’t feel empowered –
Every sunset you’re afraid that he’ll come back.

It really isn’t easy being Dave,
When your predecessor may rise from the grave.
Every night’s another gamble,
Yes, I know I start to ramble,
But I’d rather be Ming Campbell
Than be Dave!

So in search of propaganda
You head off to Rwanda
While England feels ignored beneath the flood.
And the disappointed Tories,
Still obsessed by former glories,
Load their shotguns, start baying for your blood.

Oh, it really isn’t easy being Dave,
Leading not so much a party, more a rave.
For the members who harangue him,
And then flog him and then hang him,
I would rather be Chris Langham
Than be Dave!

Oh, it really isn’t easy being Dave,
It’s not a job that any of us craves.
I would rather drown in slurry,
Sleep with Edwina Currie,
Even be a cow in Surrey
Than be Dave!

Poor Samantha, she must worry,
His replacement – don’t all hurry –
I would rather be anyone but Dave!
Oh, I’m glad that I’m not Dave.

When the audience gave this song rapturous applause at the end, Richard Stilgoe said, ‘Thank you – you are wonderfully easily pleased.’

Categories: Humour, Quotations
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